so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My underwear smells like fireworks.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
operation have a gay friend backfired
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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