Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
