god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
