cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
