she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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