Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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