call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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