I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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