Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
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It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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