he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
