yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.