And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
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Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
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I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?