sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
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Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
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I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.