how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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