you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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