Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
