I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
