And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
