then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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