The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
