This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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