is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
