I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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