Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
