when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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