I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
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