If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
