Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
