You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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