The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
