as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just gargled with NyQuil
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
