So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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