I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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