I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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