Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
