I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
