I am puke
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
