I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This is classic penis vs brain.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
