At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
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Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
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She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Congratulations! We have a period
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