Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
What a dumb baby whore.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
