I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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