im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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