u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
