Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
