Cold hands, warm shart.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
