he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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