Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
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Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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