this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
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Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
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Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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