theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
