i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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