no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
