I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You pole danced in your parka.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
