I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
