She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Randomize
