i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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