You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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