it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
