I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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